Nick did not want to go to school today. He’s never been in love with school, doesn’t cheer on the way there like Chris does. But today he said his leg hurt, earlier in the morning he said he was coughing, before that it was something else.
Last night he wanted to keep the ace bandage off. I don’t think it was a problem but I suggested this morning that he put it back on because I needed something to say. I didn’t want to accuse him if not being in pain but I also didn’t think he needed to stay home from school.
In the midst of all this Chris informed need me that he was having some stomach trouble. The kind that keeps you in the bathroom and out of school. Frankly I think he has had too much orange juice (which I never buy but Steven did) and oranges (which I did buy). Double shot of citrus was just too much. At least I am hoping thats the problem. This didn’t make the morning any easier and led to running late.
While driving the kids to school (aka cursing under my breath while trying to get up a steep icy side road), Nick said the ace bandage was too tight. I told him to go see the nurse and tell her I put it on too tight. I told him if it hurts to go to her and she can give him Tylenol.
I told him everything except what he wanted to hear which was that he could stay home. With two days left before the holiday break, I really couldn’t justify keeping him home. If it wasn’t so icy out Monday and Tuesday I would have sent him in. Physically he was ready.
Emotionally I thought a little time off would be a nice positive to balance the negative of having surgery. But then a day like today kills it because I feel like I have to be mean mommy and push him off to school.
Speaking of mean mommy. That’s how I have felt a lot this week. Today most of all. I wrote a post a while back about depression. It is one of my favorite posts because there is such a stigma that goes along with any mental illness and as moms, I think, admitting we are not ok is particularly painful and taboo.
I believe I am a lil’ more mean mommy because I have stopped taking my antidepressant. I made this choice with a psychiatrist that was recommended to me by someone I trust. What prompted me was the tachycardia I have been experiencing for over a year. To have to take meds to deal with the tachycardia which might have been caused or at least exasperated by the bupropion, was frustrating me. In addition I have been feeling anxious and the psychiatrist said the tachycardia itself could be causing the anxiety. He also said I didn’t seem depressed. Which of course I wondered if that was the effect of the meds. But he said doing a test, to see if going off them helps, would be worth it.
So far I am hardy experiencing tachycardia, I am not anxious, and I am not depressed. However I am tired, hungry, and grouchy or grouchy because I am tired and hungry. More sleep hasn’t helped and neither has more coffee or more food.
My plan to deal with how I am feeling is make a self care plan. I need to do things to shake off the grouchy feelings. An article I read said 7 minutes a day of exercise may be enough to combat depression. So I got myself a small, basic, stationary bike and I intend to ride 7 minutes per day. Hopefully I will do more but the goal of 7 is not too daunting.
I hope Nick didn’t need to see the nurse today. I hope Charlotte had a good day despite the fact that it started with a grouchy mommy. I hope eliminating orange juice will help Chris. I really hope the mean mommy moments will not linger in their minds or mine. Oddly enough thinking about having been mean doesn’t make me nicer!
New healthy habits are, I suspect, the only things that will keep me off the antidepressants. That’s why I am adding in the exercise but not doing too much else. I don’t want to set myself up to fail.
I hope this post is helpful beyond my venting. Come on out of the closet moody mommies. You are not alone. Seeking mental health help is one of the strongest decisions you can make. But maybe you don’t need that kind of help. Maybe you just need to take care of yourself. Put yourself on your to do list. Self care is not selfish. It is brave to share your feelings and it helps. I don’t care what people think about my need for meds or lack of them. I don’t love the idea of sharing what’s most personal but it is worth it, if it helps one person not feel alone.