You are an imposter and I am unmasking you here. This is the only way. I am not usually an angry person. Moody yes, angry no.
I feel you about pointless and illogical things. Like being mad at a kid with a twisted ankle. Or people eating apples. Or people who support *rump (can’t even type that vile name). Or people who share memes about how much better they are than others. Or my pants for having a button.
There is no space for tolerance or patience when you are here. I am craving escapes like TV and pie. I am tired and can’t fall asleep. I have a variety of headaches again. I don’t want to do things that I normally find fun. I don’t want to move.
I am depressed.
Oh fucking anger you are like a warning flare shot out of my soul. Maybe that’s why it’s you that comes. You feel so foreign to me that you are impossible to ignore.
To be clear I know I am not clinically depressed but I have so much stress right now, so much worry. The weight of surgery on my heart is heavy. I know it’s a good thing. I love that Dr. Standard can do something about Nick’s pain but I am so mad, so fucking sad really that Nicholas will have his 15th surgery in two weeks. I am so sad.
I know my boy is ok but this is not what I wanted for him. I need to say that every once in a while. This is not what I want for him. I want him to be free. I want there to be an end to fibular hemimelia treatment for him. I want to stop wanting this because it will never be and with each surgery I am faced with this reality. Unhappiness is defined by some as wanting things to be different than they are. It’s not accepting what is. This is where I am at the moment.
So I am not the perfect zen momma I want to be. I am not all knowing or all accepting. I never will be. I am humbled by how little I know lately. I get angry when I am really sad and then I get sad about being angry. I get it. I wish that getting it could make you gone.
I have other stresses right now. I know we all do. I know it’s easy for people to think we’ve been through this so of course it’s fine. I know, I try to tell myself that too but as often as Nicholas has had surgery it still just sucks and hurts. Even after unmasking you I still feel pissed off.
Dear Pissed Off,
Ahh never mind…