Dear Anger,

You are an imposter and I am unmasking you here. This is the only way. I am not usually an angry person. Moody yes, angry no.

I feel you about pointless and illogical things. Like being mad at a kid with a twisted ankle. Or people eating apples. Or people who support *rump (can’t even type that vile name). Or people who share memes about how much better they are than others. Or my pants for having a button.

There is no space for tolerance or patience when you are here. I am craving escapes like TV and pie. I am tired and can’t fall asleep. I have a variety of headaches again. I don’t want to do things that I normally find fun. I don’t want to move.

I am depressed.

Oh fucking anger you are like a warning flare shot out of my soul. Maybe that’s why it’s you that comes. You feel so foreign to me that you are impossible to ignore.

To be clear I know I am not clinically depressed but I have so much stress right now, so much worry. The weight of surgery on my heart is heavy. I know it’s a good thing. I love that Dr. Standard can do something about Nick’s pain but I am so mad, so fucking sad really that Nicholas will have his 15th surgery in two weeks. I am so sad.

I know my boy is ok but this is not what I wanted for him. I need to say that every once in a while. This is not what I want for him. I want him to be free. I want there to be an end to fibular hemimelia treatment for him. I want to stop wanting this because it will never be and with each surgery I am faced with this reality. Unhappiness is defined by some as wanting things to be different than they are. It’s not accepting what is. This is where I am at the moment.

So I am not the perfect zen momma I want to be. I am not all knowing or all accepting. I never will be. I am humbled by how little I know lately. I get angry when I am really sad and then I get sad about being angry. I get it. I wish that getting it could make you gone.

I have other stresses right now. I know we all do. I know it’s easy for people to think we’ve been through this so of course it’s fine. I know, I try to tell myself that too but as often as Nicholas has had surgery it still just sucks and hurts. Even after unmasking you I still feel pissed off.

Dear Pissed Off,

Ahh never mind…

Love,

Me

 

 

6 thoughts on “Dear Anger,”

  1. A shrink used to say that anger was a warning sign, like fear… and also a blanket that you could use to cover up other emotions, as you say, like sad or in this case, so well aware you can’t control this life thing. I’m so sorry it’s hard. For Nick. For you all. I love you all very much. So many of us do.

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    1. Make sense. It will all be what it will be. I have to put the other stresses in their place, do what I can and let go of the rest. Thankfully Nick is feeling really positive and ready for this one. Aside from his cough which we have to get rid of for him to be cleared for surgery. I wish I actually had control over that!

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    1. Remove Precice Rod
      Add 2nd 8 plate
      Check on current 8 plate and knee since he’s been having pain.
      Fuse foot bones
      Growth plate surgery on left leg… he has agreed to be shortened a bit.

      I also need to take Nick for blood work before surgery for possible infection in his leg. He’s been having pain on and off mind thigh.

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      1. Hi Jen,
        Tell Nick I was really glad I had my feet bones fused– it really reduced my pain. Since my ankle was always stiff it didn’t make that much of a difference. I can drive just like before surgery, a concern for me since my foot is so small.
        Will he have to be NWB while the foot fusion bones heal?
        Can he do it over spring break?
        Sending hugs to both of you.
        Lois

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      2. Hi Lois, Thanks so much for sharing that fusion reduced your pain! Nick really needs this to work. He will be casted and NWB on the right for about 6 weeks for it to heal. His surgery is 2 weeks before spring break so we are hoping he will only miss 2 weeks of actual school. We go to Dr. S on Thursday for preop and we will discuss the plan further. Nick is totally calm and ready. Again I must take my cue from him! I keep trying!

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