Nicholas did not trick or treat last night. Nicholas did not dress up. But Nicholas did walk our dog and that made me pretty happy. I was happy that he could. Walking sans crutches is still feeling fabulous and looking fabulous (to me, Nick is having some leg pain which we assume is from not bearing weight for about 5 weeks).
Trick or treating was rough last year. He was waiting for a new shoe insert and brace (I think that was why he was in pain). Fall seems to be a rough season for his foot (which some theories are brewing on for another post). This year he just didn’t want to. At first I was upset and tried hard to encourage him but then I quit because I realized he really just didn’t want to do it.
Holidays I also realized can be little pressure cookers of stress! We want them to fun and fabulous. How many trick or treating Halloween’s are there in ones life time? Oh the pressure!!!!
This morning I realized, while reading a post on the fibular hemimelia support group that the holidays are not my favorite days. Sometimes I feel like they should be but if I am being honest, they really are not. Another mom was writing about her son having a hard time and not being able to trick or treat. I knew that feeling. I knew the emotions she was having so well and commented:
Nicks had some rough trick or treating years. He didn’t do it this year. He just refused but he’s 12. I could over analyze and wonder if his rough Halloweens have made him less into it but I think he just doesn’t care about it that much. I feel like holidays are a little like summer where I try hard at times to have as much fun as everyone else and make the most of it but my favorite days and our best days as a family are not the holidays anyway! All the pressure for it to be great and memorable isn’t really conductive to joy. For me…
I continued a bit more but I don’t want to share personal information about someone else and their child here. I hoped what I wrote helped this mother see that she is not alone. That these feelings are normal and that our kids really don’t seem to focus on the hard times. Nick does not talk about his hard time trick or treating last year or any other year.
To be honest I was kind of grouchy yesterday. I think I was upset about Nick not wanting to trick or treat, maybe it’s the bittersweet nature of him growing up. I also felt pressure to make it fun, be happy, it’s a holiday… etc. Well then the dog didn’t want to wear her costume, I didn’t know where the kids trick or treat bags were, getting everyone dressed stressed me, we were running late, Steven was not with us, Bess fell within the first 5 minutes…. I could go on. I wish I could stop this kind of spiral when it’s happening but I just smiled and wished I was off somewhere drinking a glass of wine!
A few hugs from neighbors and seeing friends out and about helped but I just prefer regular days. Holiday’s stress me. It’s fine and I don’t think it’s a unique thing to feel this way. Acceptance usually brings some easing of the stress so maybe next year will be better for me. It’s interesting to me though that I can be grouchy and grateful at the same time. I am so grateful for kind neighbors and my children’s happiness.
It was a beautiful night regardless of whether it was the best for not.