If only I had…

This has been a busy week. It started on a rough note because Nicholas had an ear infection. This has been a totally new experience for him and the pain was beyond any leg pain he experienced during this 4th lengthening process.

Before the ear pain even started he had been having leg pain. Pain enough that he put himself back on crutches full time. When I wrote to the RIAO they said going back to crutches and easing back into activity made sense but Sunday the pain really seemed to be getting worse. My plan was to call Monday morning and get Nick seen as soon as possible. I was panicking a little.

Sunday night in the wee hours was when Nicks ear pain was at it’s worst. Monday morning all I could think of was getting him to the doctor for that. His leg was largely ignored till much later the day when I finally reached out to the RIAO.

The reply was that Nick should come in on Thursday. Although Dr. Standard didn’t think his rod would fail he needed to check Nicholas out to figure out what was causing the pain. At this point I was really upset with myself for not calling earlier. For not remembering first thing. For letting the ear infection, a pretty common thing overshadow his leg, which felt like a big deal at the time.

“If only I had called earlier”…

In truth things worked out exactly as they needed to. Why was I so inclined to blame myself? Like I have control of everything in the entire universe! Monday would have been a terrible day to go to the RIAO. Dr. Standard saw 38 patients! Being in the mix of that would have been rough! We would have been there ALL DAY. Mostly we don’t mind being there actually, but still an all day visit, which I likely would have had to bring Christopher and Bess to would have be hard. Nick’s ear still hurt, we were tired from a long day traveling the day before.

Thursday turned out to be the perfect day to see Dr. Standard. It was super quiet at the RIAO. We waited some but it didn’t feel like much time at all. Nicholas and I were both feeling pretty relaxed. Marilyn came and chatted for a while. And as I wrote in my previous post we got to meet Liam and his family!

Obviously Thursday was the day we needed to be there! Everything was fine with Nicks leg. Trying to rush in Monday wouldn’t have changed anything and I knew Thursday that no matter what happened we had the silver lining of visiting with friends to look forward to. I certainly wouldn’t trade meeting Bonnie for a Monday visit!!!

Now the “if only” I have in my mind is “if only I had stopped to breath and relax” (which I eventually did). As moms I think it’s common for us to assume we are in control, everything is our fault, it’s all on us! It’s not and it’s not healthy to think that way. From the little things to the big things so little is actually in our control. Sometimes I try too hard to control what I think I can because I know there is so much I really can’t control but really… really… this is not helping me at all. It seems confusing even typing it.

A few things popped up this week to remind me that when it comes to parenting connection is the thing. I don’t need to get it all right. I will never be the perfect parent but I don’t need to make everything my fault in my mind either, which really is a way of making it all about me isn’t it? I just need to focus on staying connected to my kids. I can best do that by being present in the moment with them. There is nothing more important than that.

2 thoughts on “If only I had…”

  1. Your son is doing an amazing job! My daugther was born with Fibular Hemimelia as well. My daughter will be 7 July 15th, and all I can say is that your story and Nick’s inspired me. We chose to have my daughters foot articulated two days after her first birthday, July 17th 2009, to be exact. After many specialists, over a year of going to several of them, we found that having my daughter Savannahs right foot, articulated, was best for her and us. She now has to have a new foot about 2 times per year, because of growing, but I can’t disagree that she is one healthy and happy child. She has been able to go to school, run, swim, (with the prosthesis and without), and is so happy. I couldn’t imagine the pain that Nick goes through having this pain all of the time, or having to have lengthening process’s along the way, or not being able to wear regular shoes because of this disability. I literally feel your pain “mom”, and “nick”. I’m going to do a speech on this, this week, for school, because I have a speech to submit, and will post it on youtube. I will update you with my link, so that you can see it and my daughter as well. I hope all is well with Nick, and your family. But you truely both inspired me!


    1. Thank you for sharing Jody! Pain is not usually the norm for Nick. Just finishing up his femur lengthening was a little bumpy! He is back to being pain free. He spends most of his life doing what he wants and the surgeries are interludes along the way, which also happens to be the part I write about most. Nick actually wears regular shoes!!! He used to wear two different sizes but does not anymore thanks to his amazing brace. We all have our hard moments and I certainly have hard mom moments with my other three kids! Our children’s happiness and freedom to be active and pain free is everything and I am so happy to read about Savannah!! Please know that Nick is well and not in pain either.


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