Snow is probably not how anyone expected to ring in spring. Honestly though, I am ok with it. In fact the soft white atmosphere is kind of nice. It’s peaceful. Maybe a little more winter is a little longer to hang on to the relatively calm existence we have been experiencing. Spring means surgery. Snow means we are not there yet.
Snow is one reason we did not want to try to have surgery sooner. Nick had asked for surgery to be scheduled ASAP but we didn’t want to deal with transporting him in the snow and ice (we had a lot of ice this year). The logistics will be tricky enough without weather woes.
I am beginning to feel like Nick is more ready for this than I realized. I think we would have surely needed to increase his lift had we not planned surgery. He’s growing so fast. Whether he is 5’5 or not (the orthodontists height measurements differed from the pediatricians) there is no doubt about his having a growth spurt, physically and emotionally as well. He is changing and I can see his quiet confidence expanding before my eyes…. well maybe not my eyes really, but I can surely feel it with my heart.
I was talking about confidence with a friend recently and while I don’t think of myself as a confident person per se, I know that that is what I actually am. Not every moment of every day but deep down I am. I don’t feel like I have to do anything or be anything in particular to be of value, to be enough. We are all enough. I don’t expect anyone to prove themselves to me and I certainly don’t expect my children to. I wonder if that has impacted Nick’s ease with himself. He does not need two fibula’s or 10 toes. He does not have to be the poster child for limb lengthening. He does not have to get into the fancy middle school program. All he ever has to do is be himself.
Just existing is such a gift. What Nick will have to go through to lengthen his leg will be hard. It will be hard for our family too but I know we can do hard things. We already have. Asking for and accepting help is still hard for me. I am really grateful for patient friends who offer before I need to ask. In a way once we are home and I know what the logistics will be like I might be more likely to ask for help. Right now I am having a hard time imagining. Which is fine! No need to jump ahead too far.
I am excited to meet some fibular hemimelia families on Monday! I hope to take some photos and share them here. These families are so special to me. In our support group we share so much of our journeys. Meeting face to face is special even though I feel like I know some of them already!
So while today is spring I am enjoying this little late winter. Last night Nick said he is not scared regarding surgery anymore. I told him that maybe it was because he has been talking about his fears. Speaking them helps. Fears can come and go. Mine certainly do. Nothing is permanent and for that I am mostly incredibly grateful.