I accidentally out-ed myself as Santa. Nick needs a new charger for his computer that “Santa” brought for him and I said I would order it. He offered to bring me the computer so I could order the right one and I said no that I could just check the order. His “gotcha” expression said it all. I could not even speak. I was shocked at myself. When I could speak I said “Did I just do what I think I did?” Nicholas said no, and that he had been questioning for a long time. Something about this still felt so sad to me. I didn’t necessarily think he believed but we all behaved as if he did. Something about keeping up the farce kept it “real”.
Nicholas is growing up. Literally up, up, up but he is also changing in ways I can’t see but I can certainly feel. It is already an emotional week with surgery coming up on the 24th. This Santa business just put me over the emotional edge! I just need a good cry so badly! Nick is also visiting middle school on Wednesday. He has to do an interview for a specific program, which he is really hoping to get into it. It is interesting to have him want something and for me to really not be able to make it happen. Ahh… parenting! Nick, like my other three children, is a joy to parent but parenting comes with such a broad range of experiences and emotions. Minute to minute they change. This is life. I get it. Surgery is the kind of thing that puts it further into perspective. That is a kind of gift in and of itself.
Last night Nicholas also came to me to talk about surgery fears. He knows it is expected to have fears. We talked about the usual discomforts and things that are out of our control. He was happy to learn that he can weight bear some right away. He was worried about getting around within our house.
Nicholas has an amazing perspective for an eleven year old. He decided on the timing of this surgery and I am realizing more and more that he is a part of the team in a new way now. We have to included him in all decisions regarding his care. Being part of the Ethics Committee at our local children’s hospital reminded me of this recently. It’s really easy to think that because he is not eighteen he is not the decision maker but that is just not true and most certainly not ethical.
So Nick is expressing his surgery worries. I have shared some of mine. The rest of the household seems be a little on edge as well. Nick’s siblings worry about him. Their lives are impacted too. Meeting everyone’s needs through it all really has the potential to stress me but I am focusing on one day at a time. Today I had an 8am meeting and later I have a doctor’s appointment but I have dinner in the crock-pot already (Corned Beef…Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!!). If I had more time on my hands I would prep crock-pot meals and freeze for post surgery but I have schoolwork to keep me busy this week. Graduate school and surgery are not the easiest mix but I am taking that one-day at a time too. This weekend I plan to do as much of next weeks work as I possibly can!
I have also accepted the fact that this is simply not going to be an easy season. Limb lengthening is a huge deal. It just is. Even with everything going well it will take over our lives. We will find a new normal for a while. This is ok. We are so lucky that Nicholas has an amazing team at Sinai to care for him; we are lucky that Grandma and Grandpa can come and care for the crew at home, we are also lucky to be so close to Sinai so Steven can go back and forth some.
We are lucky. Surgery has helped me see that. It is a perspective I mostly wouldn’t trade that for anything but of course there are times when I wish Nick didn’t have to go through any of it. No matter how beautifully he does. No matter how freaking awesome he truly is through it all. There is a part of me that just wants to protect him from everything. I think thats just part of being a mom.