My first mothers day.

In 2003 I celebrated my first mothers day. I was a completely different person then. I was a newlywed and a college student. I still lived in Brooklyn. And unlike many fh moms I did not know Nicholas had a limb difference. 

It seems that 20 weeks is the time moms find out. I did not have an ultrasound till 28 weeks. I was seeing midwives and they said it wasn’t really necessary. I only did it so I could have a picture of my baby. I even told the sonographer this when they started. “I am just here to get a picture of my baby.” Sometimes I wonder if she saw his limb difference and didn’t tell me because I said that. 

I could tell from this first photo that Nicholas would be exceptionally good looking! 

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It’s really fine with me because I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy and had I found out something was wrong I am sure I would have worried about things way beyond his leg. I have read about countless moms having this stress and fear. But I have also read about moms who felt such a shock because they didn’t know before birth that their baby had a limb difference. 

There is no easy way to learn this information. 

In fact I kind of learned before Nick was born but I didn’t. Because I was past my due date I had to go in every other day I think for non-stress tests and such. At one test when they were measuring the amniotic fluid the gal said “Is there something wrong with his leg” and I said “No” and that was that.

When Nick was born Steven told me after they took him from me that something was wrong. I didn’t notice when I held Nicholas for the first time. I had my magical, untouched by fear moment. I am grateful for that. I am lucky I got that. 

A little later someone brought over his footprints but said they would have them redone because they didn’t turn out right. I looked at the piece of paper and said “No, that’s how his foot is” (I think that’s what I said I am not sure of the exact wording). I hadn’t seen his foot or leg yet. The imprint was my first time. 

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I thought I was a mom already when I was pregnant on my first mothers day. Now I don’t really think so. Before Nicholas was born I was not one of those women who would have said “if something goes wrong forget about me and save the baby”. I didn’t care more about his life than my own. I didn’t really know him yet. I wasn’t a mom. 

My real first mothers day in 2004, I can’t even remember. I am sure I was worried about what was to come. I am sure I was grateful for my beautiful boy and I know I wished god could take away one of my legs and give him a complete one. I know I would have done anything for him. I was a mom. 

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